Has fights. Has trust. Has faith. Has tears. Has hurt. Has sweet smiles. Has genuine laughter. Has weird, stupid, unnecessary arguments. Has patience. Has communication. Has secrets. Has jealousy. And most importantly,love. This is all just a mess that turns out beautiful & an experience that can never be forgotten.
I feel like I’m fighting with every single ounce of everything I have to give. I feel like I have nothing else to give. All people do is take. I need someone to show me that I’m worth the fight, that I’m worth it to receive. How am I supposed to react? Say, “oh cool.”? Nope, because that isn’t me. I want someone to chase me and catch me before I fall, because I am falling and all I need is someone to catch me and tell me it’s all going to be okay… Because right now, I don’t know. Why must this all be so complicated? Why can’t life be a bit simpler? Why can’t my life be simpler? Why do I have to go through all of this shit to only be met on the other side with more? Am I really not deserving of full on happiness? There always has to be something. Whether it’s a single night, a day, a week, a month, a year. Nothing seems to ever really go right for me. I feel like I’m losing every semblance of the person I used to be. But do I want to be the person I’m losing? The person who was scared of everything? Of love. Of speaking up. Of being adventurous. Okay, maybe I haven’t quite mastered these, but I have experienced them and done my best to experience them fully.
I want acceptance from my family: I’m not perfect. Yes, I lost my job. Yes, I don’t know how to do anything to really make anything work. But it seems as if everyone else does, and in my eyes I am just a failure to them. I want my sister to finally forgive me and to just grow up and love me. I want my dad to understand that I need guidance, love, and understanding. I need the guidance in a loving and understanding manner, not judgmental and threatening. I want my mom to be closer and to be able to talk to her more frequently, because she seems to be the only person in the world who understands what I need when I need it, but I can never talk to her, which just shatters me. But most of all, I just wish my family was closer.
I want you to understand: I’m not perfect. I act. I put up facades more than anyone in a relationship ever should. I say I’m okay, when I just want you to look in my eyes and know I’m not. I want you to catch me instead of just keep letting me fall. I will catch you if you catch me. I want you to treat me like I’m not just your friend, because uhhhh newsflash… I’m not. But, I need you to just hold me and tell me that everything really is going to be okay with me.
I know this is a lot to want, but right now… Praying it will all turn out okay is the only way to hope it actually does work out.